The “5 D’s” to Demand from a TSA Agent

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The TSA has announced that they will begin using “enhanced” pat-down methods at airports across the country.

“The UPD (universal pat-down) lessens the cognitive burden for our officers and reduces the possibility for confusion with passengers and employees as well.”

In other words…

We’re gonna dumb this down:  You’re getting felt up.  We’re feeling you up.

Apparently, the difference between the old pat down and the new pat-down is that the agent now gets to use the front of their hands when feeling around the “nether regions”.

With the new pat-down policy in place, here are the “5 D’s” you should expect from your TSA agent.

1.  Dinner

    All airports have places to eat.  Before that guy (or gal) starts pawing all over you, demand that he, at the very least, take you down to Starbucks for a latte and a slice of lemon pound cake.

2.  Drinks

    Explain to him that you are really uncomfortable and that you need to “loosen up a little bit first” before the heavy petting begins.  Note:  Martinis are more classy.

3.  Dance

          Maybe if the pat-down is set to music, the whole process will seem more natural.  Might I suggest Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”?

4.  Digits

        Explain to him/her that you aren’t that kind of person.  And if they aren’t going to call you in the morning, you’re going to call them.

5.  2nd Date

    Let them know right off the bat:  2nd base = 2nd date.