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The TSA has announced that they will begin using “enhanced” pat-down methods at airports across the country.
“The UPD (universal pat-down) lessens the cognitive burden for our officers and reduces the possibility for confusion with passengers and employees as well.”
In other words…
We’re gonna dumb this down: You’re getting felt up. We’re feeling you up.
Apparently, the difference between the old pat down and the new pat-down is that the agent now gets to use the front of their hands when feeling around the “nether regions”.
With the new pat-down policy in place, here are the “5 D’s” you should expect from your TSA agent.
- All airports have places to eat. Before that guy (or gal) starts pawing all over you, demand that he, at the very least, take you down to Starbucks for a latte and a slice of lemon pound cake.
- Explain to him that you are really uncomfortable and that you need to “loosen up a little bit first” before the heavy petting begins. Note: Martinis are more classy.
- Maybe if the pat-down is set to music, the whole process will seem more natural. Might I suggest Eric Clapton’s “Wonderful Tonight”?
- Explain to him/her that you aren’t that kind of person. And if they aren’t going to call you in the morning, you’re going to call them.
5. 2nd Date
- Let them know right off the bat: 2nd base = 2nd date.